For so long I have wanted to share my story with others, I have so much to say but often struggle to find the words. I have always tried to portray myself as a strong put together person – the version of myself that I choose to show others is outgoing, confident, bubbly and pretty care free. The version of myself that I share is not my authentic self, for some time I believed it was, I had hidden behind a mask for so long I even had myself fooled.
The truth is I have suffered with my mental health for as long as I can remember, I saw this as a weakness and a vulnerability that I tried so hard to keep from others. When things got bad, I withdrew from others for fear of my mask slipping. In doing so I very nearly lost myself. I thought I was an open book, what you saw was what you got. It wasn’t, I wasn’t.
Because of this person I portrayed myself to be no one really knew that I wasn’t ok. No one knew that I had lost my spark. Every bad thought, feeling, event that I endured had never been dealt with, they were all placed in a box in the back of my mind and the lid was very firmly shut. One day that box began to overflow, I could no longer shut the lid – I realised that I now needed to deal with all of these but I truly did not know how to. Still, I stayed silent.
I walked around for months willing someone to notice that I was not ok, they never did. Why would they? The mask that I had spent so long perfecting was still in place. Day by day I slowly but completely lost who I was and I had no idea how to say it out loud, I didn’t know how to ask for help.
It still isn’t something that comes easily to me but I am learning and that’s why I’m here.
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