The Fear of Living
When u say to people that I am more afraid of living than I am of dying it sparks waves of shock. But when I say that I’m not saying that I want to die, I’m saying I’m not scared to die. I’m saying the thought of living can seem overwhelming. I’m saying the thought…
The Space Between Surviving and Living
For a while I stopped writing. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the words, I did. It was because nothing seemed to be changing for me. Nothing new had happened. Nothing was getting worse. But nothing was getting better either. And I just felt stuck. For over a year I have been fighting for support…
Why Do People Take Pleasure in Others’ Pain?
Something I’ve always struggled to get my head around is this: why do people enjoy seeing others suffer? Why can anyone get a kick out of seeing someone punished, embarrassed, or hurt? It’s a question that hovers in the back of my mind because, to be honest, it isn’t in my nature to understand it.…
People Are Dying. And Still Nothing Changes.
Lately, I’ve been coming across more and more posts from people who are struggling.I see people who are desperate. People who are actively trying to seek help and support. But as we all know far too well, the support they need just isn’t there. This isn’t news to me.I have been where they are.In many…
Overwhelm Vs. Numbness
Something that I find really difficult to put into words is the times where I don’t feel anything – the times where I feel completely numb. Personally I have two emotional extremes, I either feel completely overwhelmed or I feel nothing at all. I used to think that feeling overwhelmed was the worst thing in…
None of It Was a Waste
There is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately — and it all started with a song. Every time I listen to it, I find myself agreeing with the words more and more. It’s “Waste” by Myles Smith and James Bay. I think so many of us look back on past relationships and friendships…
Why I Founded What About Now?
Every now and again, I feel the need to re-introduce myself and explain why I founded What About Now? As many of you know, in October 2024 I was admitted to hospital following a suicide attempt. I spent six weeks on a psychiatric ward. During that time, I saw just how serious the mental health…
Hanging on Was the Victory
When I look back on last year, all I can really see is how many obstacles were in my way. Some of them were caused by me; others were completely out of my control. When you’re living through something, it’s so easy to only see the negatives. For me, that meant the obstacles — and…
I’m Still Here. Some Days That’s Enough.
A reflection on survival, conflict, and choosing not to give up — even when hope feels complicated. I’ve been pretty quiet for a few months now. The truth is, I’ve felt like an imposter. I advocate for people to reach out and ask for help when they’re struggling, yet I find that incredibly hard to…
When You Haven’t Written in a While Because Life Has Been Heavy
I haven’t written anything for a very long time. I’ve felt more than a little lost, and life has honestly been really tough. One thing I’ve started to realise is this:when you’re no longer scared of death, it can become a dangerous place to be.It’s terrifying, it’s lonely, and trying to control those thoughts and…
It’s Been a Year
“It’s been a year.”That sentence plays on repeat in my head. I know other people think it too — some even say it out loud. And I don’t blame them, because I think it myself. Agreeing to go to hospital was a massive step for me. Choosing to accept the help being offered felt huge.…
Finding My Way Back to Writing
I haven’t really written many blog posts lately. I think I’ve been so caught up in the charity and everything else that I forgot how much writing for myself actually helped me. That’s not to say I haven’t been writing — in fact, I’ve written a whole book (believe it or not!). After everything I’ve…
I Let It Happen
I think a lot of people probably believe I should leave the past where it is — but there are just so many things I can’t seem to let lie. I’ve been brutally honest about my imperfections. I haven’t always been, and I’ll admit that. But this year, I’ve aired all my dirty laundry — because I…
One Year Later: Learning to Live Again
It’s been a year since my life changed in ways I couldn’t have imagined.This time last year, I didn’t plan on seeing tomorrow — let alone still being here a whole year later. I’m not going to sit here and pretend my life is perfect now. The Hard Truth About Surviving Honestly? I still struggle…
The Reality of Inpatient Mental Health Care — Not the Version You See Online
A massive bugbear of mine is how inpatient treatment for mental health is portrayed to people. Unfortunately, it just isn’t the reality. I often come across ads on Facebook or other social media platforms for inpatient support services — but almost all of them are private. And while it’s encouraging to see that good care does exist,…
Seeing the Quiet Good
In life, it’s always quite easy to concentrate on the bad things that have happened. Usually, the bad moments stand out.A mixture of chaos, heartache, and mess tend to be the recipe for a lot of the standout moments in life. Sometimes, the happier times are a lot quieter — peaceful, even. So much so…
Never Feeling Good Enough
Something that I’ve never really said out loud — at least not properly — is that I’ve never felt good enough.Not just sometimes. Not just in certain moments. But across my whole life, in almost every aspect. It’s a feeling that’s always been there, somewhere beneath the surface.It shapes how I think, how I love,…
Don’t Go to War Alone
I’ve always been the kind of person who can appear okay on the outside, no matter what’s happening inside. And while that can sometimes be helpful — especially when life demands that we keep going — it can also be one of my biggest downfalls. It stops me from reaching out.It stops me from being honest about…
“Something Has Got to Change”
At the moment, I’m really struggling to understand how so many organisations seem to get away with doing so little to help people. I think it’s something you only truly see when you’re the one in need of support. When I was teaching, I always went above and beyond. I cared about my job, my…
My Journey Through Support and Aftercare: An Update
I haven’t shared much about my journey through support and aftercare, so I wanted to give an update on how things have been going. I’ve been very open about my experience with Oxleas NHS Trust, and sadly, being let down and left unsupported at every stage of my recovery hasn’t changed. A Disappointing Appointment At the…
When the Old Voice Creeps In
Content warning This post discusses trust, isolation, and betrayal. Please take care while reading. It’s easy to tell ourselves not to trust anyone, to believe the world is full of bad people. In a way, it can feel like self-protection. If we keep our expectations low and never let anyone in, then no one can…
The Art of Holding back
This piece discusses trauma, threats of violence, and suicidal thoughts. If you are struggling, consider contacting local emergency services or a mental health support line. Sometimes I am left thinking: what is the point of all this? Sometimes it feels as if everything that could go wrong in my life does. No matter how hard I…
Understanding Suicidal Thoughts: The Difference Between Ideation and Intent
Trigger warning: This post discusses suicidal thoughts and intent. If you’re not in the best headspace right now, please look after yourself first — maybe come back to this when you feel ready. Why This Conversation Matters This post may be difficult for some to read, but it’s an important one. Unless you’ve experienced it,…
Missing What Hurt Me: Why We Grieve Toxic Lives
Isn’t it strange that when we’re in the middle of a toxic life, we don’t always see it for what it is? We go through the motions — for months, sometimes even years — convincing ourselves that this is normal, this is fun, this is living. And then, when we finally step away, the strangest…
Another Year, Another Chance
I’ve been a little quiet on the blog front these past few days. I’ve just had my birthday, and with it came a massive mixture of emotions. Birthdays have never really been my thing. I’m not one for big celebrations — usually, I’d be out the whole weekend on a bender. This time last year,…
Today marks an important day for so many. Too many.It is World Suicide Prevention Day.
I would go as far as to say every single one of us knows someone who has been affected by suicide. Someone who has been lost. Someone who nearly didn’t make it. Someone who has tried to take their own life. And isn’t it shocking that this is the reality of our society today? I’ve…
Empty Promises and Missed Deadlines
Part Four of My Story: Speaking Out on Systemic Failures I didn’t just find life difficult. I found it impossible. I kept trying to get back to the person I was before, but the truth is — I didn’t even know her anymore. Too Late to Wait In February, I received a letter from Oxleas…
Promises Made, Promises Broken
Part Three of My Story: Speaking Out on Systemic Failures In January, I finally received a call from a mental health nurse — another department within Oxleas, another new name, another fresh promise. She told me she had taken over my case and stopped me from having to be referred back through my GP. She…
Discharged, But Not Supported
Part Two of My Story: Speaking Out on Systemic Failures When I left hospital, I wasn’t prepared for how hard life would be. In my head, I imagined slipping back into my “normal life” — going to work, seeing friends, being with family. The truth? I was still very unwell. Adjusting wasn’t just hard; it…
Hospital Kept Me Safe, But It Didn’t Make Me Better
Part One of My Story: Speaking Out on Systemic Failures For a long time, I’ve gone back and forth about whether to speak my truth. I never wanted to point fingers or name organisations, even when I felt deeply let down. I held onto the hope that, in time, accountability would be taken without me…
On Both Sides of Suicide: What We Need to Talk About This September
September is Suicide Prevention Month. Suicide is something so many of us find difficult to talk about. And that’s okay — of course it is. But silence doesn’t help. I try to talk about suicide regularly. Not to normalise it — because I don’t believe it should be normalised — but to raise awareness. Not…
Why Is It So Hard to See the Good in Ourselves?
There are so many things in life we really don’t give ourselves enough credit for. I’ll be honest — I’m one of the worst at this. I try so hard to focus on the positives, but I struggle every single time. If you asked me to list 5 negative points about myself, I’d probably ask…
Why Do People Care So Much About Other People’s Lives?
Something I’ve never quite understood is why people are so interested in other people’s lives. And I don’t mean interested because they care. I mean the nosey kind of interest. The kind that thrives on gossip, on drama, on knowing things they were never really invited into. Sometimes I think people get involved in other…
Always Ask Twice
What I’m about to say may sound simple, but I cannot stress enough how much it can help someone. In fact, I didn’t realise just how powerful it could be until a few days ago. We all have a habit of asking each other, “Are you ok?” It’s almost second nature. And just as automatically, we answer…
Setbacks Don’t Define Me
Sometimes setbacks feel like the end of the world. We don’t feel as though we can come back from them. For any length of time, we live there — in the heaviness, in the hopelessness. We can’t see a way forward, and we don’t know if we can survive it. I’ve been there. In fact,…
When Recovery Doesn’t Look Like Recovery
Since sharing my story and founding What About Now?, I’ve always promised myself to be as honest as I can be. I do this because people need to see what recovery actually looks like. I do this because recovery isn’t always positive. I do this so others know that everyone struggles — not just them. Yesterday,…
When Words Become Too Heavy
For as long as I can remember, I’ve taken everything said to me extremely personally. Some people brush off harsh words as if they were never spoken. I can’t do that. I carry them — all of them. I know people like to say:“Sometimes when we’re angry, we say things we don’t mean.” But I…
Nature vs. Nurture? The Truth I Lived
Content note: This piece mentions suicidal thoughts and an attempt. Please take care while reading. If you’re in the UK and need support right now, call 999 in an emergency, Samaritans 116 123 (24/7), or text SHOUT to 85258 (24/7). The Both/And We’ve all heard the argument: nature vs. nurture. People love to choose sides.…
When Aftercare Feels Like a Box Ticked
I’ve had a hell of a day. One of those periods where it feels like the world is against me. I started this morning hopeful, heading to an appointment I believed would be a formal assessment. I left with a completely different mindset. “You’ve already had nine appointments.” At the start, I was questioned about…
I’m Not Perfect — And I Don’t Pretend to Be
I’m not perfect.I never have been, and I never will be. I make mistakes — in fact, I’ve made some unforgivable ones. But I always own them. Maybe not straight away, but eventually. Despite my misgivings, I have always had a good heart. And that’s something I will always be proud of. The Weight of…
When “Enough” Is Never Enough
On conditional approval, stubborn hope, and learning to stop trying to earn love. There will always be people you can’t please. No matter what you do, it won’t be enough. No matter how hard you try to change, it won’t matter. It’s brutal when that comes from someone close to you—someone “proud” of you in…
For Archie: The Truth and the Promise
Owning the harm. Honouring his love. Choosing repair. Something that hit me hard today is just how much the life I’ve led has affected Archie. As a parent you do everything in your power to protect your children. But what if it’s you they need protecting from? What if you caused the pain and heartache they’re feeling? The Part…
I Thought No One Would Understand
Learning to let people in, even when it hurts. “It doesn’t matter how far you run—you can’t outrun your own head.” I had a psychology session today. It’s the first time in a really long time that I’ve sat down and openly talked about things that usually feel too painful to touch. There’s a lot…
What Ifs and Empty Spaces
Two Years On If you had told me two years ago that this is where I would be now, I would never have believed you. So much has changed.So much has broken.So much heartache has been jam-packed into these two years. Hindsight If I could go back, there is so much I would change. I…
Why Therapy Sometimes Helps – And Sometimes Doesn’t
I haven’t had much to say lately, which really isn’t like me. Things have been picking up with the charity, and it’s meant I’ve spent less time focused on myself. That definitely has its upsides — I’m not overthinking every single breath I take — but it also means I need to stay aware of…
When Waiting Becomes a Weight You Can’t Carry
Today, Archie wanted to go to the cinema. I don’t mind the cinema — it’s quiet, dark, and no one can really see you. The one we usually go to is perfect: a car park right underneath, straight from the car into the theatre. No fuss. No public wandering. But today, they were fully booked.Archie…
The Weight of Proving Yourself
There is something so painfully exhausting about having to prove yourself time and time again.Something heart-achingly sharp about when people assume the worst — when you feel like you are always guilty until you’ve proven your innocence. When you’ve lived a life of lies and dishonesty, the truth becomes a foreign concept.You lie because it’s…
On Both Sides of Suicide
Trigger Warning This post contains open discussion of suicide, suicidal thoughts, and the grief of losing someone to suicide. Please read with care, and consider your own wellbeing before continuing. Support resources are listed at the end. For most of us, it’s difficult because we don’t understand. We try to sympathise. We try not to…
When Your Coping Becomes Part of the Problem
Something I’ve been thinking about lately is how, when you’re mentally suffering — or when you’ve experienced trauma — your coping mechanisms, your escapes, can be just as damaging as the pain you’re trying to get away from. I’ve spent years trying to escape my own head.And in doing so, I caused myself more trauma…
“Not Ill Enough” — Why the System is Failing Us in Our Darkest Moments
Since creating What About Now? I have had so much time to reflect on my own struggles. I often draw from my own experience. I think what did I need? Was there a way that someone could have reached me? Is anyone really a lost cause? That’s what I was. Well that’s what I thought…
Finding the Strength to Keep Going
There are moments in life when we feel like giving up, but not in the way you might think. I’m not talking about giving up on life itself, but on something we’ve been relentlessly pursuing. Whether it’s a project, a dream, or a personal goal, we hit points where it feels like we’re giving so…
This Isn’t Just My Fight
I’ve spoken about my job before, but there’s still so much I need to get off my chest. I wasn’t one of those people who always dreamed of becoming a teacher. In fact, I used to say I hated school — but really, I didn’t. I just didn’t feel like I was any good at it. I…
I Nearly Gave Up Last Week
I’ve got a bit of a different post to share today. For a while now, I’ve been openly struggling. Struggling with the feeling that I’m not doing enough. That I’m not goodenough. Last Friday, I came so close to a full meltdown. I nearly gave up. When you’re fighting a battle every single day — trying, pushing, surviving…
When Control Becomes the Coping
— A journal about truth, control, and learning to ask for help ⚠️ Trigger Warning This post discusses mental illness, medication, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. While there is no graphic detail and no current intention to harm, the themes may be distressing for some readers or listeners.Please take care while reading, and skip this piece…
Some Mornings
Some mornings, just for a second when I wake up, it’s like none of this has ever happened. And in that split second, I forget that my life fell apart.I forget how many friends I’ve lost.I forget how many years I spent hiding, pretending.I forget how hard I’ve had to fight just to still be…
Being a mum while trying to heal yourself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
Some days, it feels impossible. I’m all too aware of how my actions — my struggles — have affected Archie. Now don’t get me wrong, he has a good life.He’s surrounded by people who love him, support him, and make sure he’s safe and happy. But that doesn’t erase the truth:Archie has had to handle…
💭 Some Days, Just Surviving Feels Like a Full-Time Job
Knowing you’re doing the best you can — and still feeling like it isn’t good enough — is one of the hardest things to sit with. Actually, it’s frustrating. Because I know I’m doing my best. I know I’m doing everything I possibly can. I’m resisting every urge to escape, and I’m sitting with feelings…
💭 Lately, I’ve not been okay. And I think it’s time to say it out loud.
The past few weeks have been full of emotional ups and downs.I’ve been struggling more than I’ve wanted to admit — even to myself. I’ve been running on empty. And now… I feel like I have nothing left to give.I hate admitting I can’t do as much as I used to without feeling overwhelmed.I hate…
This blog is a space for me.
A space to share.A space to vent.A space to be honest — in the hope that someone else might feel less alone reading it. But it’s also becoming something more. It’s a space to talk about what I’m fighting for.What we are fighting to change.What desperately needs to change — not just for me, but for so…
The Quiet After the Storm
There’s a part of healing that’s rarely spoken about —The in-between stage.The chaos is over. Peace has been restored.But the silence? It’s deafening. It brings with it a strange kind of confusion.We’re relieved to be out of survival mode — to have escaped the drama, the constant battles.But then we find ourselves asking…Who am I…
This morning could have been filled with so many emotions: shame, dread, disappointment.
But instead, it’s filled with something else — truth, gratitude, and quiet pride. From the beginning, I’ve promised to be honest — even when that honesty is messy. This blog was created to tell the truth, no matter how hard it is to write. Because recovery is hard. It’s not always neat. It’s not always hopeful. Sometimes,…
✏️ “Not Good Enough”
Whenever I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere, another obstacle is thrown in the way. It’s no secret that I’ve had to fight for every bit of treatment I’ve received — or more accurately, haven’t received. The aftercare system is broken. Unless you hit rock bottom — unless you try to escape your own life…
✍️ When Growth Still Hurts
By Elle Ward For the first time in my life, I feel seen.I feel heard. I’ve stepped completely out of my comfort zone, sharing my experiences, my truths, my pain.After years of hiding, I’ve finally stopped pretending to be someone I’m not. I’ve let the mask fall. And I’m proud of that. I truly am.…
✍️ Owning It – Without the But
By Elle Ward I’m really not one to big myself up.So if I’m saying something positive about myself — believe me, it’s genuine. One thing I’ve always prided myself on is this:🖤 I own my mistakes. I don’t try to sugarcoat them.I don’t justify them.If I apologise, it’s a full-stop — not a comma followed by…
✍️ Learning to Be Honest Again
By Elle Ward Something I’m really working on right now is being honest with people. And I know I’m not the only one.I know so many people will relate to this — even if it’s hard to admit out loud. Because when you’re living with addiction, lying becomes second nature.You don’t even think about it.…
✍️ Why Do We Have to Fight So Hard Just to Be Heard?
By Elle Ward It’s really easy to start feeling like the world is against you.And honestly, some days, it’s hard not to believe it might be true. Since being discharged from hospital, I’ve had to fight so hard — not just for my health, but for my finances, my future, and just to stay afloat.And…
✍️ When You Don’t Know Who You Are Anymore
By Elle Ward I often find myself questioning who I really am.And I know that might sound strange — but sometimes, it honestly feels like I don’t know myself at all. I question my thoughts. I question my feelings. I question my actions.And that doesn’t leave me with much to hold onto. 🎭 The Mask I…
✍️ When Luck Misses You
By Elle Ward I don’t think I’ve ever had it easy — not really. Not since the day I left the womb. Of course, I’ve had happy times. I’ve made memories I’ll always treasure. But some moments have been so awful that they make it hard to remember the good, even when it’s right in front of…
✍️ The Day I Couldn’t Walk Away
By What About Now I’ve always been someone who backs the underdog. I can’t just walk away or turn a blind eye when something feels unjust. I’ve never understood how people can just pass someone in need and do nothing. In a way, What About Now? is an extension of that part of me — the part…
Not Every Addict Looks Like an Addict
When people talk about addiction, most of us picture a stereotype. An old man sitting on a park bench, drinking neat vodka from a bottle.A drug user with track marks on their arms, desperate for their next fix.A man in the bookies every day, placing endless bets, chasing wins that never come. But here’s the…
I Thought I’d Be Over It by Now
by Elle Ward It’s been a heavy week. Emotionally. Mentally. Everything just feels a bit much. My head hasn’t fully been in the game, and at times I’ve felt like I’m drowning.I know this won’t last forever — but right now, it feels like it might. A year ago, I started falling. It’s been about a year…
I’m Not Speaking for Revenge. I’m Speaking for Me.
By What About Now? Something that I think a lot of people don’t understand is this: Writing is something I do for me.My podcast is something I do for me. After years of being silent — years of keeping everything to myself and hiding who I really was — I’ve finally found my voice. And…
Setting the Record Straight
by Elle – What About Now? This one’s different. I’ve gone back and forth about whether I should write this. For a long time, I said I wouldn’t. Maybe that was the right choice then. But now? I feel like I’ve been holding too much in. I feel like I deserve to speak. I feel…
Letting Go (When It Feels Impossible)
By Elle Ward Nobody likes change.We say that all the time, don’t we?And it’s true — the fear of the unknown can be absolutely terrifying. I know it has been for me. There have been moments in my life where I’ve stayed in situations that were clearly not right.Unhealthy. Unkind. Unsafe.But I stayed — not…
When Life Won’t Give You a Break
By Elle Ward Sometimes, it feels like life has a way of knocking you down — again and again and again. I don’t think I’ve always felt like this. In the past, bad things have happened and I’ve managed to brush them off. I can be resilient. I am resilient. But lately, I find myself thinking: when do…
Flakey, Overwhelmed, and Still Here
I’m the type of person that gets easily overwhelmed. Not just the “bit stressed” kind of overwhelmed — but the kind where too much noise, too many messages, too many voices all hit me at once and I feel like I’m drowning.If more than one person is talking at the same time, or I’m trying…
Collateral Damage
Owning the wreckage, not rewriting the story. My journey to where I am today hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been neat or straightforward. I’ve always tried to be honest—open about the worst parts, even the ones that don’t paint me in the best light. Yes, I’ve been hurt a lot along the way. But I’ve…
The Act I Put On
Protecting others while trying to heal myself Do you ever feel like you’re putting on an act? Like you’re pretending—not to fit in, not to be liked, not even because you feel you can’t be yourself—but because you don’t want people to worry anymore? You don’t want to upset anyone. You don’t want to break…
Finding My Voice
To the outside world, it often looked like I had plenty of friends. But the truth is, I kept most people at arm’s length.Very few knew the real me — the struggles, the past, the pain.Trust didn’t come easily. I felt I had to protect myself at all costs. Sharing my story required a level…
It’s Easy to Forget
by What About Now? It’s easy to forget.When someone is mentally ill, it can be easy to forget—especially because you can’t see it. There isn’t always a visible reminder that they’re unwell. Often, those of us struggling with our mental health feel like a burden, so we keep a lot to ourselves.There’s a fear of…
Taking Off the Mask It’s no secret that I’ve suffered with mental illness for as long as I can remember.But not that long ago — that was the biggest secret I had. I did everything I could to hide how badly my mental health affected me.I thought that having a mental illness made me weak.I…
Eventually Isn’t Good Enough
Yesterday was hard — for a lot of reasons. Some time ago, I submitted a formal complaint to the NHS Trust responsible for my aftercare. The response I received was disappointing. And honestly… I’m not sure why I expected better. Yesterday, I got a phone call asking why I was dissatisfied with their response. Where…
Just Sometimes
I’ve always been someone who puts other people’s feelings before my own.I would rather bite my tongue than hurt someone — even if it means hurting myself in the process. I internalise a lot. I always have. Even as a child, I carried things that were far too heavy for me.And I stayed quiet —…
Not Just Naughty: What I Wish Someone Had Seen Sooner
Growing up, I was always the “naughty” one.Always in trouble. Always breaking the rules — and I couldn’t tell you why.It wasn’t that I didn’t care about consequences. I just didn’t think about them. I acted on impulse, and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop. I was told off a lot.But no one asked why I…
Autopilot
Life gets busy.Sometimes so busy that it feels like you don’t even have time to breathe.You run from one thing to the next, ticking boxes, completing tasks, keeping it all together.You stop being present — and start living on autopilot. I’ve done it.I’ve lived so much of my life on autopilot.Through the boring days, the…
Learning to Feel Again
A continuation of Still Learning How to Be Honest With Myself I can’t remember exactly when it started.I’m not sure if emotional numbness was always there in the background or if it crept in quietly when things became too much.All I know is — it’s exhausting. For so long, I didn’t feel anything at all.I knew…
Still Learning How to Be Honest With Myself
A follow-up to “The Truth I Already Knew” Sometimes, I can’t help but feel like a fraud. I started sharing my story because I wanted people to feel less alone. I wanted others to know they weren’t broken, that someone else had felt the same darkness, the same shame. I created What About Now to support people…
The Truth I Already Knew
I’ve been thinking a lot lately — about something I’ve never quite understood or been able to explain. Every bad thing anyone has ever said about me rings like silence in my ears. It’s like I have a playlist in my head, constantly on repeat. Most of the time, these things are said in anger…
Coming Home Was the Hardest Part: Learning to Live Again After Hospital
“I was once so scared of people knowing I was ill. Now I’m shouting it from the bloody rooftops.” When I first came out of hospital, I still didn’t see a future for myself. I wouldn’t say I actively had intentions to make this a reality, but it was still something I struggled with. I…
🗣️ When “Sorry” Just Isn’t Enough
There are some things that are hard to speak out about. But silence doesn’t change systems — and I know now that I haveto use my voice. What I’ve experienced over the past year isn’t just personal heartbreak. It’s the result of a failing mental health system. These aren’t small administrative errors or unfortunate oversights. These…
🩶 The Guilt That Came With Getting Help
I’ve spoken a lot about my time in hospital. I stayed there for six weeks — and to be honest, it felt like a lifetime. Not just for me, but for everyone waiting on the outside, hoping I’d come home. When I realised I needed to go into hospital, I was overwhelmed with guilt.Guilty for…
🎙️ Introducing the What About Now? Podcast
Holding on and moving forward — real stories, real voices. For anyone who has ever been discharged from a psychiatric ward and thought, “Now what?” — this podcast is for you. I’m proud (and a little nervous!) to share the launch of my brand new podcast:What About Now? – Holding on and moving forward. This podcast isn’t…
Exhausted, Always: Living with a Mind That Won’t Rest
Being mentally ill can be exhausting. Your emotional and mental capacity is ALWAYS full. It just drains the life out of you, all the time. I remember before going into hospital I just used to sleep all the time. I’d get home from work and go straight to bed. When my alarm went off in…
What About Now? – Why Aftercare Can’t Be an Afterthought
This blog was always meant to be a space where I could talk honestly about my experiences with mental illness and the care I received as a result. But now, thanks to your support and the platform we’ve built together, I also want to use this space to talk about What About Now? — the charity I’ve…
I’ve Got a Good Heart — But I’m So Tired
I’m a Good Person. And I’ve Got a Good Heart. One of my biggest problems in life has always been thinking everyone has the same heart as I do — that people will treat me how I treat them. But the truth is, that just isn’t how life works. Everyone is wired differently. Don’t get…
I’m Not In Control Anymore, And It’s Destroying Me
I feel like I’m constantly waiting.My life revolves around waiting for other people.I can’t move on with my life until other people make that decision. I am so fucking tired of waiting.Having to do everything on somebody else’s terms.I feel completely out of control. And I’m not one to admit that I’m struggling often but…
We’ve Advanced Everything… Except Acceptance
🧠 Why Do We Still Downplay Our Mental Health? I know I do — even now — and honestly, I couldn’t even tell you why. People reach out to me after reading my blog or seeing the article I was in.“How are you doing?”“Oh, I’m fine. Brilliant, actually. Back to normal.” But I’m not. And I know I’m…
Compassion in chaos: They deserve more and so do we.
I have spoken briefly about frontline staff in the NHS but I wanted to do another post on it – really just an appreciation post. Nurses, doctors, healthcare assistance, psychologists and so many others often take the brunt of any fall out when it comes to patients treatment and care. I really Just want to…
Together We Heal – Share Your Experience, Inspire Change
Since sharing my story I have had so many people reaching out to me. Some to show they support the actions I’m taking to make change. Some to share their own experiences with someone who really understands what they have been through. Every person that shines a light is helping us get one step further…
I Wasn’t Just Failed by the System — I Stopped Fighting for Me
I have lost count of the amount of times in my life that I have put up with people treating me badly and keeping my mouth firmly shut. The amount of times I have been treated far less than I deserve to be and just ignored it. The amount of times I have put everything…
The Little Boy Who Carried Me
Sometimes as I sit and reflect on my day I get inspiration or ideas for my posts. This is something that I should have probably written about sooner. Maybe something that I should have actually realised sooner. But the person that has been most effected by my illness is my son Archie. He is only…
We’re Still Waiting… And It’s Killing People
Today I had a conversation with my nan. My nan is 80 years of age, when she grew up there was no such thing as mental illness. Most of her life this has been a subject that was very rarely spoken about. Even so, she gets it. She has taken the time to listen to…
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back – And That’s Okay
After being discharged from hospital I was adamant that I would recover as quickly as possible. I set plans in motion in my head. When I was going to go back to work, when I was going to start seeing friends again, when I would no longer need to take medication, when I would start…
Let Them Carry You Until You Can Stand Again
If you would have told me this time last year that this is what my life would be like I wouldn’t have believed you. I was in the depths of self-destruct. I was suffering, in so much pain and doing anything I could to escape my reality. I was abusing alcohol and substances. Struggling to…
When the Hurt Isn’t Yours But You Feel It Anyway
This is a topic that I have touched on when I first began my blog. A comment I saw today made me realise that I hadn’t spoken about this enough. Mental illness doesn’t just affect the person who is suffering its effects rub off on everyone surrounding it. There is such little support for those…
Why I Keep Fighting for Change – Even When I’m Struggling
Some days are about moving forward – taking steps towards healing and recovering. Other days are about putting one foot in front of the other. Today is about putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I beat myself about about how little I have done since coming home. I get in a rut…
Not Everything Happens for a Reason: Why Pain Shouldn’t Be the Price of Growth
I have never been a believer in the phrase “everything happens for a reason” – in my opinion too many terrible things happen in the world for that to be true. Some may say the phrase offers them hope, which I can understand. However, for people who feel as though everything in their lives goes…
💔 Isla: A Story of Strength in the Shadows
I’ve shared a few stories about people I’ve met through my time in psychiatric hospitals. But some people stay with you. Isla is one of them. I think about her a lot. She had the kindest heart — the kind of heart that cared deeply, even when she was hurting. Isla hadn’t had the best…
The Art of Self-Sabotage: Why I Sat Out of My Own Life
Self sabotage is a skill that I have got down to a fine art. I think I spent so much of my life feeling as though I had let people down that I thought if I fell at the first hurdle it wouldn’t get people’s hopes up. Including my own. I’ve always had big goals,…
I Built Walls So High, No One Could Reach Me
I’ve never felt like anybody’s first choice. I’ve always felt like an option, a back up, a just in case. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember – since I was really little. I was never chosen just for being me. I never felt as though I was liked for…
They Watched Me Drown and Walked Away
Something that I have really difficult is how easy it was for so many people to walk away from me after I was admitted to hospital. Friends that I spoke to daily have completely disappeared. Work colleagues that I have not had a single piece of contact from. There are honestly so many people. And…
From Inpatient to In Limbo: The Gap in Mental Health Care
In my post ‘hospital kept me safe but it didn’t help me get better’ I speak about the reality of being admitted to a psychiatric unit in the UK. I completely stand by my opinions on this – the NHS need to look at what is actually being done for people in these units. There…
A Future I Never Thought I’d See
“Your new life is going to cost you your old one.” – Brianna Wiest I stumbled across this quote yesterday and it came at a time that I really needed it. I have spoken at length about the life I have lost. The life before I became extremely ill. I miss that life a lot…
The Goodbye I Never Got: A Teacher’s Story of Loss and Legacy
The realisation that I was going to loose my job hit me like a ton of bricks. My mood plummeted and I felt like I had lost a part of my identity. Teaching is so much more than a job it’s a lifestyle choice. You don’t become a teacher for the money. You don’t become…
What Happened to You Isn’t Your Fault — What You Do With It Is
I have always been a firm believer that you cannot blame your past for behaviours that you exhibit. At some point regardless of what has happened to you, you need to take responsibility for your actions. I think sometimes this can sound harsh and it is not meant that way at all. However, if we…
I Deserved Better
I have spoken a lot about blame. I don’t believe any of us can blame others for the way our lives have panned out. Blaming others doesn’t do much to make us feel better. In fact in my experience it has been a complete waste of energy. Everything that happens to us in life does…
Healing Shouldn’t Be This Hard
When I decided to share my story I honestly did not expect it to take off as it did. I had toyed with the idea of setting up a charity for months after being discharged from hospital. I self-sabotaged and convinced myself I wouldn’t be able to do it. Now, honestly with the support I…
Early Diagnosis Could Have Changed Everything
Today I met up with someone who has known me for a very long time. As with many people life gets in the way and you loose touch – however there are some people in our lives that no matter how much time has past you pick up exactly as you left off. As we…
Between Mania and Meltdown: This Is My Reality
Managing my emotions has always felt like trying to hold on in the middle of a storm. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never experienced emotional stability for any meaningful stretch of time. Instead, I live at the extremes — joy that borders on mania, sadness that feels like complete despair, and anger…
Doing the Impossible With Almost Nothing: The Reality for NHS Staff
During my time in hospital, I often spoke about the challenges of inpatient care — the isolation, the lack of therapeutic input, and how hospital is often a place for safety rather than healing. But what I haven’t spoken about enough are the people on the frontline: the nurses, healthcare assistants, psychologists, and doctors who…
Asking for help is brave – not weak
I have spent so much of my life hiding my struggles with mental illness. I’ve pulled away from so many people in my life over the years to hide what I have gone through. I have played down my feelings for fear of judgement from others. I have lived portraying myself as someone who is…
🗣️ I Found My Voice — Now I Want to Help You Find Yours 💬
This platform began as a lifeline — a safe space where I could finally share the thoughts I’d buried deep inside. Writing gave me the words I could never say out loud, and in doing so, it gave me hope. Through telling my story, I’ve discovered something incredible: I’m not alone. And neither are you.The messages, the support, the…
Close, But Not Too Close: My Struggle with Emotional Walls
I have always struggled to form healthy relationships. I tend to keep people at arms length and unconsciously I make sure that I don’t become too attached. Every new person I meet I take an instant dislike to and as I get to know them I might change my mind. But I never really let…
From Silence to Strength: My Journey Through the Gaps in Mental Health Care
Today I have my first proper appointment with the comity mental health team since being discharged from hospital. After waiting 6 months for this appointment I am now anxious about what could be said and anything that needs to change. I don’t think I have to mention again how myself and many others are left…
How Journaling Helped Me Reclaim My Hardest Days
Some days every single thing seems to go wrong. You’re fighting hard to stay afloat but you cannot think of anything positive to cling on you. Life has a way of really testing us. Sometimes we have to search for those positive moments that often seem few and far between. These are the moments that…
I Just Need a Break: The Hidden Battles of Everyday Survival
Some days really do just feel like such a struggle. I really have to dig deep quite a lot of the time just to put one foot in front of the other. I often find myself wishing life would just give me a break. I’m constantly fight for something and most of the time it…
The Addictions Were Symptoms. The Pain Was the Cause.
Throughout my adult life I have struggled with having an addictive personality. Alcohol has been an issue for me – I have never been a person that can have just one drink. I wouldn’t just drink when I went out, I would drink at home alone as well. My drinking was affecting my whole life…
What I Couldn’t Face, I Tried to Escape
For so long, I believed that alcohol, gambling, drugs — the things that were destroying me — were the actual problem. But I’ve started to realise they weren’t the root cause. They were the symptoms. They were the things I turned to when I didn’t have the tools to cope with what I was really…
I Held On for My Son — But I Shouldn’t Have Had to Do It Alone
The hardest part of my recovery wasn’t being in hospital — it was what happened after I left. I always knew being discharged wouldn’t be easy. I’d have to face the world again, be a mum again, somehow try to get better in the chaos of everyday life. I expected it to be challenging. What…