I have lost count of the amount of times in my life that I have put up with people treating me badly and keeping my mouth firmly shut. The amount of times I have been treated far less than I deserve to be and just ignored it. The amount of times I have put everything I have into something for not an ounce of recognition. I have always been quick to stick up for other peoples injustices but never quick enough to stick up for myself.
For so long I thought I didn’t matter. I put my own feelings aside so as not to upset others. I let people wrong me and never spoke up because I didn’t want to cause any trouble.
But honestly I am sick and tired of just getting on with it. I’ve gone through life picking myself up and brushing myself off just for the same think to happen over and over again. I’ve been ‘strong’ and I’ve handled things well without letting them affect me. Without allowing them too take up too much headspace.
That is just not true. Every time I have been wronged I have found myself asking ‘why me?’, ‘why again?’. I over thought every situation where I found myself at the bottom of the pile. In the end I just stopped questioning it. I bit my tongue and I took everything out on myself. I kept peoples secrets. I didn’t speak out. I let myself down.
I am again using my voice to help others, honestly I am so pleased that I am. But sometimes I forget that I can use my voice to help myself too. I’ve let people attack my character and integrity because I didn’t feel as though I should have to explain my side of the story. But I should have, I should have called people out for always painting me as the villain in every scenario. Those who know me well will know that just is not the case.
I know I’m a good person. I know I’ve got morals. And I know I have got one of the kindest of hearts. This is viewed by so many as a weakness but it shouldn’t be. It shouldn’t allow people to think they can take advantage of my good nature. I may have lost my way but I never lost what was at the core of myself and I think that says more than anything.
Going over incidents that drove me to the point of giving up on life don’t help me, they don’t help anyone. I’ve said it before but I don’t blame anybody for that. But I can fight to make sure people are held accountable for the way I was treated once I was discharged.
From doctors surgeries making me fight to get my medication when I so clearly needed it. Making me jump through hoops when I barely had the motivation to get out of bed. To the NHS Trust that passed me from pillar to post when I needed after care, each person saying it wasn’t their job and to contact someone else, only to be told the same thing over and over again. To the social workers who could so clearly see that I wasn’t well yet insisted on making my life more stressful even though it was clear to see how loved Archie was and that he was never and had never been in any danger. To the government for making it so hard for someone like me to get any kind of financial support, saying I had chosen to leave paid employment. I have worked my whole life, I have never wanted any hand outs but I genuinely needed someone to say don’t worry, I needed someone to say I was so clearly struggling and that it wouldn’t be yet another thing I had to fight for. To my workplace for showing such lack of empathy and support. For pressuring me into handing in my resignation through fear that if I didn’t I may never be able to teach again. I just needed them to give me a break, but there was nothing. To the friends that disappeared. To the people I have never spoken to since.
I’ve always had a voice. But I have never used that voice to stick up for myself. I deserved so much better from literally everyone. And I didn’t get it. I thought I didn’t get it because I wasn’t worth it.
I’m starting to realise that if I don’t stick up for myself. If I don’t fight for myself and make some of these people take accountability for the way I was and the way I am still being treated no one else is going to do that for me.
I will continue living my life thinking that it’s because of me. Because I’m not worth the fight.
So whilst I am so pleased that I can use my experiences and my voice to raise awareness and work towards making changes for others. I also need to use my voice to fight for myself. Because I deserved help just as much as everybody else and I didn’t get it from anyone.
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