Trigger Warning

This post contains open discussion of suicide, suicidal thoughts, and the grief of losing someone to suicide. Please read with care, and consider your own wellbeing before continuing. Support resources are listed at the end.

For most of us, it’s difficult because we don’t understand. We try to sympathise. We try not to be angry. We try to understand. But the truth is, if you haven’t been there, that’s more or less impossible.

I’ve been there. I’ve been on both sides.

I’ve nearly lost people I care about deeply to suicide. I’ve also nearly lost myself to suicide.

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When Anger Shows Up in Grief

When I was in A&E this time round, my mum was so angry.
I remember lying there thinking to myself: “Give me a break.”

At that moment, I still wanted to die.
Her anger, in my eyes, was unnecessary.

But now I can see that it wasn’t.
She had every right to be angry — and so do you, if you’ve been in her position.

It is possible to miss and love someone so deeply, yet still feel angry towards them.
It is possible to feel resentment — because they left you behind to pick up the pieces, to start again alone.

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Fear Behind the Anger

Looking back, I realise she also deserved to be angry because she was scared.
Scared of something she couldn’t understand.

She knew that if I had succeeded, she wouldn’t only have to deal with the loss of her daughter — she would also have to stay strong to pick up the pieces I’d left behind.

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There’s No “Right” Way to Feel

When someone attempts suicide, or when someone dies by suicide, there is no right way to feel.

It can be like a tornado of emotions:

• Grief
• Anger
• Resentment
• Confusion
• Guilt

And honestly? That’s okay.
No one would ever think any less of you for that.

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On the Other Side

I also know what it’s like to be on the other side of it.

I know how it feels to believe you’ve let everybody down.
I know how it feels when people think you were trying to take the “coward’s way out.”

And let me tell you — that is the furthest thing from the truth.

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The Reality Behind the Pain

Most people who try to take their own life have lived through things many of us wouldn’t be able to handle for a week.

They battle with their own minds every single day, and yet they still try to hold on.
Everything you are feeling now — they have already felt for themselves, and often for you.
All the pain you’re carrying now — they have already carried for far too long.

They are exhausted.
They crave peace.
They crave escape.

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The Weight That Never Leaves

Whether they survive or not, they complete whatever act it may be carrying a tremendous guilt they will never escape.

They know the pain others will feel.
They know the price that comes with their choice.

People who try to take their own lives are not cowards.
They are not weak.

They may crave peace and escape — but they know it comes at a cost.
And regardless of whether they survive or die, they don’t do it happily.

That knowledge, that weight, stays with them — wherever they may end up.

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If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for support:

• Samaritans (UK): Call 116 123 (free, 24/7)
• Mind (UK): Call 0300 123 3393
• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (US): Call or text 988
• Lifeline (Australia): Call 13 11 14

You are not alone.