Managing my emotions has always felt like trying to hold on in the middle of a storm. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never experienced emotional stability for any meaningful stretch of time. Instead, I live at the extremes — joy that borders on mania, sadness that feels like complete despair, and anger that consumes me entirely. For a long time, I brushed this off as “just who I am,” something those close to me learned to expect. But now I understand: this isn’t just my personality — it’s a symptom of my illness. Learning to navigate life with such intense emotions is draining, often isolating, and sometimes frightening. But it’s also something I now face head-on, with more awareness than ever before.
For those that experience similar you will know just how exhausting this is. It is draining to feel absolutely every emotion so powerfully. It doesn’t just happen with negative emotions it happens with every emotion. When I was in hospital one of the nurses asked me how long I had been suffering with bipolar – I don’t actually have bipolar I have a personality disorder. However, my moods were so extreme this seemed the likely cause.
When I’m happy I’m bordering on manic – like an excitable puppy or kid that’s had too many sweets. I’m hyperactive, don’t shut up, completely bouncing off the walls. Now that’s all well and good but sometimes this is for absolutely no reason at all – my brain has just decided that I am absolutely ecstatic.
I act extremely impulsively. I’ll book a holiday without thinking about the logistics of anything. I’ll take Archie out for the day and spend £100s not recognising that towards the end of the month I’ll have no money to live off. I’ll go shopping and buy everything that I like and want at the time. This impulsivity can also happen with behaviours that can put me in danger of harm.
When I’m angry, I’m not just a little bit annoyed, I am raging. I shout, scream, slam doors. I can’t control it at all, when I was at my worst my anger got the better of me so often that it was becoming dangerous. Now I’m in a better place I know that I would never put anyone else in harms way. However, I will treat people horribly. After being so angry I am exhausted – it completely drains the life out of me.
And when I’m low – I’m at rock bottom. There is no consoling me. There is no rational thinking. I feel everything so deeply and withdraw. I hide myself away, not wanting anything to do with anybody. I can end up causing harm to myself and I cannot do anything to get myself out of the rut that I am in.
All I can do is ride the wave and feel everything that I’m feeling. It’s exhausting and sometimes scary.
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