By Elle Ward
I don’t think I’ve ever had it easy — not really. Not since the day I left the womb.
Of course, I’ve had happy times. I’ve made memories I’ll always treasure. But some moments have been so awful that they make it hard to remember the good, even when it’s right in front of me.
When they were handing out luck, I must’ve missed the memo.
Because I swear I’ve had none.
I’ve really tried to be someone who doesn’t dwell on the past — someone who focuses on the good, the here and now. But if I’m honest, I wasn’t moving on. I was running. And the thing about pain is that you can’t outrun it. Not forever.
Eventually, it catches up with you.
And it’s so fucking heavy.
I try so hard to focus on the positives — because they are there.
But sometimes I just sit with this thought:
What the fuck did I do to deserve all of this?
It feels like I’ve walked through life stumbling from one bad situation to another. I genuinely can’t remember a time when I wasn’t waiting for the next bad thing to happen. And that’s not even me being dramatic — it’s just my lived experience.
Still, I don’t want to come across as bitter or negative.
That’s not all of who I am.
I have so much to be grateful for.
I have Archie — my whole world.
I have an amazing support network now.
I have friends — not loads, but real ones. The kind that show up.
I’ve been on holidays, had lovely days out, bought the clothes and shoes I loved.
Materially, I’ve never really gone without.
Emotionally? That’s where I’ve felt the absence.
For a long time, I hurt so much — completely alone.
There was no one to turn to. No one to say, “I see you. I believe you. You’re not broken.”
And I think about that younger version of me — the one who just needed a hand to hold — and it breaks my heart.
She didn’t have what I have now.
And I grieve for that.
So yes, there’s good in my life. And I hold on to it tight.
But that doesn’t erase the weight I’ve carried — or the scars I still feel.
And maybe I’ll always carry both.
Gratitude and grief.
Joy and pain.
Hope and history.
That’s the thing about healing — it doesn’t ask you to forget.
It just helps you keep going anyway.
— What About Now
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