When Life Won’t Give You a Break

By Elle Ward

Sometimes, it feels like life has a way of knocking you down — again and again and again. I don’t think I’ve always felt like this. In the past, bad things have happened and I’ve managed to brush them off. I can be resilient. I am resilient. But lately, I find myself thinking: when do I get a break?

Some days, it feels like the moment I start to feel okay — even just a glimpse of light — something comes along to remind me, “Absolutely not.” And to whoever’s out there pressing that button, I honestly don’t know what I did to you. But I’m sorry, truly. Just… please, stop shitting on me.

I know people love to say things like “everything happens for a reason.” The good, the bad, the absolutely gut-wrenching. But I can’t get behind that. I don’t think every twist in life is part of some divine plan. Sometimes, life is just really hard. And that’s it.

Since last year, it feels like everything I do — every step I take — comes with a fight. I wake up already in battle mode. Fighting to get through the day. Fighting for justice. Fighting just to be heard.

And that fight didn’t start with the world. It started with me — me against me. And no matter how it turned out, I was always going to lose. But now the fight has shifted. It’s me against the system. Me against the NHS. Me against the mental health trust. Me against my GP. Me against my old employer. And, if I’m honest, it’s still me against me.

I’ve never had to push so hard for so long just to exist. Just to be seen. Just to be treated like a human being.

And no, I don’t believe that hard times build strength and resilience — because I already had those traits. I’ve proved that again and again. So why am I still being tested?

But I’ll keep fighting. Of course I will. Not just for me, but for the people who can’t yet fight for themselves. For those still finding their strength. For the ones who feel like they’re losing to themselves too.

Oh — and I’d add that I have a constant battle against Archie. But I don’t think that one really counts. (He definitely thinks he’s winning.)