“Not Ill Enough” — Why the System is Failing Us in Our Darkest Moments

Since creating What About Now? I have had so much time to reflect on my own struggles. I often draw from my own experience. I think what did I need? Was there a way that someone could have reached me? Is anyone really a lost cause?

That’s what I was. Well that’s what I thought anyway.

The frustration I feel when I think of all the times I could have been helped but I wasn’t. The number of times I reached crisis and there was still nobody to be seen. I look back to certain times in my life and I wonder how I managed to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I wonder how I pulled myself out of rock bottom, often alone.

And ok sometimes people don’t want help – I get that I have been there. But when there is someone sitting in front of you quite literally on the edge of a cliff deciding whether to jump how can you turn them away? I couldn’t. How can you tell that person that you are going to put them on a waiting list and direct them to a crisis line in the mean time in case they need support? Is it not clear that they need support now? Is it not clear that they might not reach out again? They might not make that call? I didn’t.

Can you imagine how soul destroying it is to be told that unfortunately you are not ill enough to be classed as urgent? Can you imagine how awful it is when you are told that your attempt to take your only life wasn’t good enough because you only took 37 pills? And walk away with the knowledge that you need to do it again but properly?

Can you then imagine reaching the point that you do not want to be alive AGAIN but this time knowing that you need to do more to make sure it works. However, it doesn’t work but this time because you have done it properly because you have taken nearly 100 tablets not just 37 you are now lucky enough to receive inpatient care.

And then you are lucky enough to be discharged into support that is again non-existent. To then do it all over again but this time when you wake up you cannot see the point of going to hospital because it didn’t work 2 months ago.

I do. I do because I’ve been there.

So many others do because they have been there as well.

When is someone with the ability to change this going to open their eyes and realise this is not ok.

When is someone with the ability to change this going to listen to real people like you and me.

When is someone with the ability to change this going to take accountability.

I don’t think they are.