Two Years On

If you had told me two years ago that this is where I would be now, I would never have believed you.

So much has changed.
So much has broken.
So much heartache has been jam-packed into these two years.

---

Hindsight

If I could go back, there is so much I would change. I would do so many things differently.

Hindsight really is a wonderful—sometimes cruel—thing.

I can’t help but think about the what ifs.

Yes, there are so many things I’m grateful for. But alongside that gratitude, there is this constant ache.
This need to be somewhere I’m not.
Somewhere I couldn’t feel further away from.

---

Family

Two years ago, my relationships with my mum and dad were non-existent. I don’t think either of them could even stand to be in the same room as me.

Now, I can honestly say I have never been closer to my parents than I am today. That’s something I never thought would happen—and the fact that it has means everything to me.

But as much as I love my family, I can’t escape this feeling: that something is still missing.

---

Where I Am Now

My life completely shattered around me.

I’m turning 30 next year.
Living with my parents.
A single mum.
Unemployed.
And my best friends are my mum and my nan.

It often feels like I’m moving backwards.

Yes—I’m alive. And most days, that’s enough. But some days…it isn’t. Some days, I can’t help but wish things had ended differently last year.

---

Lost

I still feel lost.

I still feel as though I haven’t quite found my place in this world yet.

And I know I’m surrounded by people who love me, but sometimes I truly believe they would be better off without me.

That doesn’t mean I would do anything to make that happen. But the feeling—the heaviness—remains.

---

What I Miss

I miss the parts of myself that I lost.
I miss the life that I once lived.

I’m trying so hard to be happy. To be grateful. To believe that where I am is enough.

But sometimes—that’s asking too much.
Sometimes I just can’t be those things.
Sometimes I still feel empty.