I’ve been thinking a lot lately — about something I’ve never quite understood or been able to explain.
Every bad thing anyone has ever said about me rings like silence in my ears. It’s like I have a playlist in my head, constantly on repeat.
Most of the time, these things are said in anger — in the heat of a moment, meant to hurt. And often, the people who say them regret it. They apologise. But once those words are said to me, they can’t be unsaid. They stick. And with them comes a hurricane in my mind — a storm that sets out to destroy. To destroy me.
Something that means so little to the person who said it can send me spiralling into self-destruction. People tell me that how I react afterwards isn’t fair. That others shouldn’t have to be afraid of expressing anger, afraid of how I might respond. They see the cuts on my hands, on my face, and they tell me that my reaction is too much. That I can’t do this to myself because of arguments or harsh words. That I can’t hold on to it. Can’t blame them. Can’t let it turn into something bigger.
In the end, I’m the one who’s wrong. I’ve overreacted. I’ve made them responsible for something that isn’t theirs to carry — because they didn’t mean it.
But here’s the thing: when I’m angry, I don’t say things I don’t mean. I don’t say things I’ll regret. I don’t get personal. I might shout, I might curse, but I never go for the parts of someone that I know would hurt the most. I’ve always been like that, and until recently, I never really noticed it.
I’ve been hurt — deeply, painfully hurt — and even then, I’ve never gone after someone’s character. I’ve never weaponised words.
Today, I think I finally understood why.
When you live with such a low opinion of yourself, you cling to the bad stuff. Compliments bounce off. You don’t know how to accept them. You brush them away. Explain them away. But when someone says something that’s meant to wound — something sharp, something heavy — you accept that. You agree with it. You add it to the playlist. You believe it’s true.
And when they apologise, you accept that too. Because they’re not the bad person — you are. And those words they said, they don’t disappear. They stay with you. They remind you. They confirm what you already thought about yourself.
You don’t hurt yourself to punish others. You hurt because there’s an ache in your chest that won’t go away. Because their words feel like proof. They echo what you already know — or think you know — about yourself.
When you feel like you don’t deserve to be here… when every flaw already feels unbearable… it’s hard to forget the words that won’t stop ringing in your ears.
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