After being discharged from hospital I was adamant that I would recover as quickly as possible. I set plans in motion in my head. When I was going to go back to work, when I was going to start seeing friends again, when I would no longer need to take medication, when I would start living again. I believed by making these plans I was giving myself something to work towards.
I had no idea that making these plans would overwhelm me. That I was hindering my own recovery but trying to set out my future. I was putting a time limit on how long I was allowed to recover. Recovery does not work like that at all. I think in my head I believed that once I was discharged I would wave a magic wand and I would be back to the person I was before I was admitted.
If this was someone else I would have told them not to rush. I would have told them not to put pressure on themselves. I would have said there is no time limit for recovery, that it would just happen. Maybe slowly, but it would definitely happen.
I needed so much more time than I had initially allowed myself. I began taking steps backwards and being so angry with myself for not being stronger, for not doing better. I didn’t give myself the credit I deserved. I was strong. I lived in a life that every morning I had to fight to stay alive, I had to battle with my own mind not to succumb to the escape I so desperately needed.
I was pouring so much energy into survival that I didn’t have much left for anything else. I had to give so much head space to sitting with my feelings and actually acknowledging them. Whilst I saw myself as going backwards unconsciously I was making every effort to ensure I would see a future in which I was alive.
Take time. Don’t pressure yourself. Survive until you can start living again. Taking two steps forward and one step backwards is still leading you in the right direction.
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