“I was once so scared of people knowing I was ill. Now I’m shouting it from the bloody rooftops.”
When I first came out of hospital, I still didn’t see a future for myself. I wouldn’t say I actively had intentions to make this a reality, but it was still something I struggled with.
I found it really hard to come home. When I was in hospital, I felt safe — I was protected from myself. I was around so many people who understood exactly how I felt. I didn’t have to explain anything to any of them, and I knew I was going to struggle trying to explain how I felt to people who wouldn’t necessarily understand.
Readjusting to a World That Moved On
I had definitely become institutionalised after being in hospital for so long, and it took me a long time to adjust to being at home. Things that I once took for granted really scared me, and I didn’t feel comfortable going out for a long time.
Living as a Human Contradiction
I can only describe myself as a human contradiction — an oxymoron. My personality was comprised of two opposites, and I struggled to make that work. In one instance, I was putting so much pressure on myself, rushing my recovery to get back to the life I had before. In the next, I was holding myself back — not trusting my decisions and questioning everything I did.
Finding Purpose
At the same time, I needed something to wake up for in the morning. I needed to keep my mind active.
I had spoken quite a lot about wanting to help other people going through similar things to me. I had toyed with the idea of starting a charity, but I didn’t think I would be able to do it. Honestly, it has been the best decision I have ever made.
Owning My Story
I mean, some of my previous decisions aren’t hard to beat. However, I am genuinely so pleased that I took that leap. I was once so scared of people knowing that I was ill — and now I’m shouting it from the bloody rooftops. I know how important it is to show others that they aren’t alone.
I’ve spoken to so many different people from all walks of life, and they have entrusted with their stories. I feel honoured and privileged that people trust me with their most vulnerable truths.
I have purpose back in my life, and I know that I have the determination to spark real change.
To think that this time last year I began to spiral into a very difficult part of my life that almost beat me — it’s unthinkable. On the days I believe I’ve made no progress, I hope I am reminded of how far I have come.
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