I Deserved Better

I have spoken a lot about blame. I don’t believe any of us can blame others for the way our lives have panned out. Blaming others doesn’t do much to make us feel better. In fact in my experience it has been a complete waste of energy. Everything that happens to us in life does shape the person we become.

Do not get me wrong if I had the ability to change some of the things that have happened to me I absolutely would. I don’t believe the phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’. Some things happen because the world is full of shitty people. That doesn’t make it ok but honestly they will not be loosing any sleep over you.

I no longer think about individual people who have changed the course of my life with their actions. I have forgiven a lotto people who if asked may not even feel they have wronged me. But I have had to do that for my own sanity. I don’t hold a grudge towards anybody, there is absolutely no bad blood. If there were I wouldn’t be able to move forward and I have lived in the past for such a long time.

This doesn’t mean I’m not angry. Sometimes I feel anger so deeply – it isn’t really aimed at anyone in particular but I do feel it. I feel it because I deserved better. I’ve spent much of my life believing I didn’t deserve better. Blaming myself for things that were completely out of my control. No one in my life is innocent, they have all had a part to play. I’m not innocent in any of it either. But, I didn’t deserve this.

I deserved to be helped before it was too late. I deserved people to look at me and take the time to realise that I was actually fading away as a person. But they didn’t. I deserved support to rebuild my life. Instead I had to watch every part of my world fall apart. I’ve walked away from a job that I loved. I’ve left behind some of my closest friends. I’ve changed the way I live my life because I know that reverting back to how I was could lead me back to hospital.

So I really am angry. I’m angry that I wasn’t important enough to be fought for. I’m angry that the system let me down. I’m angry that my workplace let me down. I’m angry because most days I feel an emptiness in me that has been left by the person I used to be.

I’m angry at myself too. That anger is so deep rooted that I’m not sure it will ever go away.