By Elle Ward
Something I’m really working on right now is being honest with people.
And I know I’m not the only one.
I know so many people will relate to this — even if it’s hard to admit out loud.
Because when you’re living with addiction, lying becomes second nature.
You don’t even think about it. You’re trying so hard to hide what you’re doing — from others, from yourself — that eventually the truth becomes impossible to see.
🕳️ Lying Was My Default
I spent so long in denial. I felt like a victim — angry that no one trusted me.
But deep down, I knew why.
When people hid things from me, it hurt. But they were scared I’d take it. Sell it.
When something went missing, I would swear blind it wasn’t me — sometimes even crying over being accused… while knowing full well it was.
It became automatic.
I even had a note on my phone — a list of everything I had taken, and what I owed each person.
I never paid it back.
Maybe I kept it to feel better about what I’d done.
To tell myself I wasn’t completely detached from the damage I caused.
But the truth is: I didn’t just lie about stealing. I lied about everything.
Even things I didn’t need to lie about.
🧩 Looking in the Mirror
Eventually, I had to lay all my cards on the table.
I had to take a long, painful look at myself. And I genuinely don’t think my family would’ve made it through if I hadn’t.
Don’t get me wrong — everyone tells the odd white lie.
But for me, it went way beyond that.
At first, I didn’t think I should have to earn back anyone’s trust.
But now I understand.
Trust is everything.
And I had broken it. Over and over again.
I don’t think anyone ever believed they’d be able to trust me again.
But slowly, I’ve been proving that they can.
🔁 Unlearning the Lie
This hasn’t been easy.
In fact, it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
It’s like I’ve had to unlearn how to lie.
And that sounds silly — but it’s not.
When you’ve lied for so long, even the truth starts to feel unnatural.
I’ve caught myself mid-sentence saying things that weren’t true — and then immediately correcting myself out loud.
Telling my mum or my nan, “I don’t even know why I said that — it’s not true.”
It’s like muscle memory. Like a reflex.
But the difference is: I notice it now.
And I choose to correct it.
🖤 It Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person
Here’s the truth:
Lying doesn’t make you a bad person.
But it’s something you have to own. You have to face it.
And most importantly — you have to admit it to yourself.
It takes time.
It takes work.
But honesty is possible again. Even after everything.
And I’m living proof of that.
— What About Now
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