September is Suicide Prevention Month. Suicide is something so many of us find difficult to talk about. And that’s okay — of course it is.
But silence doesn’t help.
I try to talk about suicide regularly. Not to normalise it — because I don’t believe it should be normalised — but to raise awareness. Not long ago, I recorded a podcast episode called “On Both Sides of Suicide.” That title matters, because I’ve been on both sides: I’ve been the one left behind, and I’ve also been the one who has tried to leave. Honestly? I don’t know which is harder.
Being Left Behind
For many, suicide is something they can’t understand. And I don’t think anyone will ever fully understand it — even those who have lived through it. Every experience is different, and that makes understanding even harder.
Being the person left to pick up the pieces is one of the hardest things in the world. Suicide is nothing like a “normal” death.
It can be impulsive, leaving so many questions unanswered. And even when it isn’t impulsive — even if it’s planned, even if there’s a note, even if you look back and realise there were signs you missed — none of that changes the fact that the person who could explain everything is no longer here.
The emotions that come with suicide loss are overwhelming:
- Guilt. We wonder if we could have done something to prevent it. But the truth is: you couldn’t. Don’t blame yourself for not seeing the signs. Sometimes there aren’t any. And sometimes, even if you had seen them, it still would have happened.
- Anger. We rage at the person who left. How could they leave us behind? Why didn’t they think of us? But the truth is, they probably did. They were simply too unwell to think rationally.
- Heartache. The kind of pain that words can’t really capture. The kind of ache you only know if you’ve lived it.
And we may feel so much more.
Whatever you feel, I want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to feel everything, or to feel nothing at all. There’s no rule book, no “how-to” guide, no right or wrong way to react.
People often say, “time’s a healer.” When it comes to suicide, I disagree. Time doesn’t heal. What time does is teach us how to live with the pain. We carry it because we have to — for ourselves, and for the people we’ve lost.
Being the One Who Tries to Leave
There’s another side too: the side of the person who attempts suicide.
No two people experience it the same way, but I can share my truth.
Over the years, I’ve tried to take my own life — both impulsively and in planned ways. Even when it’s impulsive, the thoughts have usually been there in the background, quietly exhausting me.
It’s hard to understand that someone could be so unwell, so unhappy, in so much pain that dying feels like the only option. But that’s the reality for many.
It’s not an easy way out. It’s one of the hardest things a person can attempt. You are literally staring death in the face, knowing you will cease to exist, and still going through with it — not because you want to die, but because you desperately want the pain to stop.
For me, the battle has always been between staying alive for those around me and my brain telling me those people would be better off without me. It’s an exhausting, endless fight.
There’s guilt too. Knowing that the pain I want to escape will only be passed on to those I love. Yet even with that knowledge, suicide has still felt like the only option at times.
What I Want You to Take Away
If there’s anything I want you to remember from this, it’s this:
- Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. Don’t hide it. Don’t run from it. Let it out.
- If you feel like your only way out is suicide, please — do whatever you need to do to get help. Life may feel unbearable, but I promise it can get better, even if you can’t see how right now.
- If you’ve had these thoughts and you’re still here: I am proud of you. You should be proud of yourself too. Battling your own mind is one of the hardest fights you’ll ever face, and every morning you wake up is you winning.
- It’s okay to be angry and still miss someone with everything you have.
- It’s okay not to understand. Not many of us do.
Suicide will never be easy to talk about. But talking is how we shine a light in the dark.
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