When u say to people that I am more afraid of living than I am of dying it sparks waves of shock. But when I say that I’m not saying that I want to die, I’m saying I’m not scared to die. I’m saying the thought of living can seem overwhelming. I’m saying the thought of living in a world that has already been so cruel to me fills me with dread.
Sometimes in life we experience painful, unimaginable events that take so much from us. And we are left with the knowledge that those things can happen. We know they have happened to us once – what is to stop them from happening to us again. And we know that it took everything that we had to come back from that. It leads us wondering if we would have the strength to come back from something like that all over again.
And with that we stop living, we begin to just exist. We learn not to give so much of ourselves to people in case they break those parts of us. We learn not to love because love leads to a broken heart. We learn not to trust because trusting makes us vulnerable.
Ultimately we learn to just go through the motions. We learn to protect ourselves at all costs.
Living becomes something we fear deeply.
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