Close, But Not Too Close: My Struggle with Emotional Walls

I have always struggled to form healthy relationships. I tend to keep people at arms length and unconsciously I make sure that I don’t become too attached. Every new person I meet I take an instant dislike to and as I get to know them I might change my mind. But I never really let anyone too close.

A lot of the time I have blamed other people for relationships not working out whether they be friendships or actual relationships. But in a session I had today I was asked about relationships in general. I sat and thought. Then I realised that regardless of who people are I do always put a distance between us. I don’t let anyone into every aspect of my life – there are always things hidden or secrets kept. I make sure I never rely upon other people. Perhaps for fear of being let down? Perhaps because I find it difficult to trust others? There could be so many reasons for this.

This is something that I have always done – even with family members. I have never had the closest relationship with even my parents. I think I spent a lot of time blaming them for this but what I realised today was that I might actually be the person to blame for this. I haven’t consciously gone out of my way to put distance between us but I can definitely see that this is something I had done. The reason so many people were shocked about what I had done is because I never let anyone close enough to actually see the real me. So when my behaviour started to change they didn’t notice.

Every relationship, every friendship that I have had has always been guarded. I have always been ready to walk away. But life gets pretty hard when you don’t have anyone to share it with. It gets hard when you aren’t open and honest with others because you really are alone to deal with your problems.

This is something that I know I need to work on. If you read this and it resonates with you – you are not alone, you are not broken, it probably isn’t your fault. But addressing it and admitting that it is a problem can give you the opportunity to learn how to change this and let others in.