I’ve never felt like anybody’s first choice. I’ve always felt like an option, a back up, a just in case. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember – since I was really little. I was never chosen just for being me. I never felt as though I was liked for just being me. At the root of every problem that stemmed from these thoughts and feelings was me.
So I became someone different. I changed my personality. I changed my likes and dislikes. I changed everything about myself. I did this because I wanted to be somebody’s first choice. I was tired of being an option. I wanted people to like me. Even though I had changed all of these things about myself, guess what? I still only felt like an option. I still didn’t feel good enough. Again, I was the root cause.
I then adopted an ‘I don’t care’ demeanour. I became someone else entirely. I gave off the impression that I didn’t really need anybody. I acted in a way that said I didn’t care if I had anyone else in my life at all. I gave the impression that I was independent and confident. None of that was me either. I kept this pretence up for many years, everyone thought I was the person I portrayed but I wasn’t.
I care about everything so deeply. I sit and dissect events, worrying I’d done something wrong. I rerun conversations I’ve had, worrying I’ve said the wrong thing or upset people. My confidence levels are genuinely non-existent and I’m about as independent as a Siamese twin. I needed over people in my life, I needed people to pick me up when I was down, I needed people to fight for me. I still do.
Instead of this I behaved in a way that meant nobody could get close to me. I pushed people away if I felt they were getting too close. I kept everyone at arms length. And I would always leave before I was left. Nobody can hurt you if you don’t give them the opportunity to.
At 28 years of age I am learning so much about myself. I’m sorry to the little girl that felt like she was only ever an option. I’m sorry that she often felt she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Most importantly I’m sorry that the pretence she felt she needed meant nobody ever knew the real her.
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