Owning the harm. Honouring his love. Choosing repair.
Something that hit me hard today is just how much the life I’ve led has affected Archie.
As a parent you do everything in your power to protect your children. But what if it’s you they need protecting from? What if you caused the pain and heartache they’re feeling?
The Part That Hurts to Say Out Loud
Archie is eight years old and has already carried too much—most of it because of me.
He’s had an absent mum.
A mum who couldn’t look after herself, let alone him.
A mum who went off the rails.
A mum who was so sad she couldn’t get out of bed.
A mum who became so unwell she was ready to leave him behind.
Saying that out loud isn’t easy. It comes with shame and guilt for all the wrongs I’ve done to the person I love most in the world. And through it all, he’s given me unwavering, unconditional love—even when I didn’t deserve it.
What I Can’t Undo
I’d be stupid to think none of this affected him. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it hides—but it’s there. I can’t erase the past, and loving him has never meant I always got it right. I hate that he’s had to put up with so much from me.
He’s my little saviour—wise beyond his years. He knows too much about life for someone so young. One of my biggest regrets is not shielding him from the world (and from me) like I should have.
The Whole Boy
He is the kindest, sweetest little boy with a heart of pure gold. He can also be a pain in the arse. He says things he shouldn’t. He gets in trouble all the time. Nothing is ever his fault—if you ask him.
After everything he’s been through because of me, he is still a special kid.
The Promise
I will live with regrets for the rest of my life.
But I will spend the rest of my life trying to right those wrongs.
A Note to My Boy
Archie, you are not responsible for my pain, my choices, or my healing.
You are responsible for being eight—laughing too loud, getting muddy, testing limits, learning as you go. I’m proud of you. I’m here. I’m staying.
Leave a Reply