By Elle Ward
I often find myself questioning who I really am.
And I know that might sound strange — but sometimes, it honestly feels like I don’t know myself at all.
I question my thoughts. I question my feelings. I question my actions.
And that doesn’t leave me with much to hold onto.
🎭 The Mask I Wore
I’ve spoken before about the mask I wore — the one I carried for years without even realising it. I wore it for so long that I actually started to believe it was me.
But when the cracks started to show, everything fell apart.
And I didn’t like who I saw underneath.
In the months leading up to my hospital admission, I became someone I didn’t recognise. I was angry. I was selfish. I lashed out. I hurt people — even people I loved.
And the scariest part?
I didn’t know if that was the real me… or just another mask breaking down.
Now I think maybe it wasn’t me at all. Maybe it was one last, desperate attempt to hide from the world — and from myself.
🕳️ The Void After the Fall
After I tried to take my own life, I spoke a lot about emptiness.
I knew what I should feel — guilt, relief, sadness, maybe even hope — but I didn’t feel anything at all.
And then, when the feelings did come back, they weren’t the nice ones.
Mostly pain. Mostly shame. Mostly fear.
And I questioned all of it.
Was I really feeling this?
Did I have the right to feel this way?
Or was I just performing emotions I knew I was meant to have?
Even now, I still get stuck in that place — never quite sure if I’m feeling something for real, or if I’ve just learned what that feeling should look like.
🤯 When You Don’t Trust Your Own Mind
I started to question everything.
Did I really want to die?
Were things really that bad?
Did the things that happened to me hurt as much as I remember?
Then I questioned my behaviour.
Could I really not get out of bed?
Could I really not manage a shower?
Was it truly impossible to just brush myself off and go home?
I doubted myself — completely.
And let me tell you: one of the most terrifying places to live is in your own head, when you can’t even trust your own memory, your own emotions, your own reality.
It’s scary not to know yourself.
To not know what’s real.
To not know how you should behave — because for so long, your only goal was surviving.
🌱 So Who Am I Now?
The truth is, I don’t know yet.
But I think I’m starting to find out.
I’m not trying to become who I was before.
I don’t even think that person exists anymore.
Maybe they never did.
What I’m doing now is meeting myself — slowly, gently, with honesty.
And it’s hard.
But it also feels like something real is happening.
Maybe I’m not going back to who I was.
Maybe I’m finally becoming someone I was always meant to be.
Someone who isn’t defined by trauma.
Someone who can feel without doubting.
Someone who knows herself — not because the world told her who she is, but because she decided for herself.
If you’ve ever felt like you’ve lost yourself — or maybe never really knew who you were in the first place — you’re not alone.
You are not broken.
You are becoming.
— What About Now
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