There is something so painfully exhausting about having to prove yourself time and time again.
Something heart-achingly sharp about when people assume the worst — when you feel like you are always guilty until you’ve proven your innocence.
When you’ve lived a life of lies and dishonesty, the truth becomes a foreign concept.
You lie because it’s easy.
You deceive people because you can.
And people — understandably — come to expect the worst from you.
I’ll be honest: once upon a time, I was that person.
Actually… not all that long ago in the grand scheme of things.
I lied because it was second nature.
I lied because I could.
And I hurt a lot of people in the process.
Earning Back Trust
In all honesty, I never expected anyone to trust me again.
But they have — and I’ve earned that.
I’ve shared everything, no matter how hard it’s been.
I’ve left no stone unturned.
Yes, sometimes I still fall into old habits — blurting out a small, silly lie without thinking.
Maybe I’ll claim the new trainers on my feet are “old” when they’re not.
But I’ll also be the first to hold my hands up and admit it.
I’m no longer the person who would lie to cover up the fact I used your credit card to buy them.
That’s progress.
And I have been immensely lucky that the people around me have forgiven me and given me another chance.
I can’t put into words how grateful I am for that.
When “Mud Sticks”
Still, the saying “mud sticks” rings loudly in my ears.
When something goes missing or things don’t add up, I’m often the first person people look to.
I don’t blame them.
They have every right to be cautious.
But it still hurts — especially when it’s those closest to me.
Their suspicion pulls me back to memories I wish I could forget:
All the times I deceived them.
All the times I lied to their faces.
All the times I took from others because I felt the world owed me something.
And that’s the part that cuts the deepest.
That’s the part that keeps me awake at night.
Forgiving vs. Forgetting
The truth is, anyone can forgive — that’s a choice.
But forgetting?
That takes time.
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