by Elle Ward
It’s been a heavy week.
Emotionally. Mentally. Everything just feels a bit much.
My head hasn’t fully been in the game, and at times I’ve felt like I’m drowning.
I know this won’t last forever — but right now, it feels like it might.
A year ago, I started falling.
It’s been about a year — maybe longer — since I started falling deep toward rock bottom.
I hate admitting that I still feel stuck sometimes. Because the truth is… I have moved forward.
I can actually see the change.
But if I’m being honest? I thought I’d be over it by now.
I thought the pain wouldn’t feel this close anymore.
I thought I wouldn’t still be looking back.
I’d tell anyone else it takes time — but this isn’t about anyone else.
It’s about me.
And I seem to think I’m supposed to be invincible.
Like I should be able to feel everything, survive everything, and still keep moving without missing a beat.
The hardest part of moving on? Letting go of people who let go of me.
In one breath, I’m proud of myself.
I walked away from parts of my life that were hurting me — and hurting others. That took real strength.
But in the next breath?
I miss that life.
And more than that, I’ve struggled with how quickly other people let me go.
This summer hit differently.
This week has been overwhelming — the first full week of the summer holidays.
And I’m not used to having a very energetic 8-year-old around 24/7.
But if I’m honest? I’m so grateful.
Archie is my shadow. He matches my energy. He just gets me.
Partly because he’s a bit lazy.
Partly because he’s 8 going on 80.
But mostly because, despite his age, he somehow knows when I just need a minute.
The best thing this year? Being a mum again. Fully.
Archie has handled everything so well — I forget sometimes how young he really is.
I don’t think he’ll ever let me out of his sight again… and I’m completely okay with that.
We were out the other day when someone came up and told me they loved my podcast.
Archie now thinks I’m famous.
I haven’t told him that was the first and only time it’s ever happened.
I let him have the moment — and maybe I needed it too.
Yesterday, I finally sat with it all. And it hit me like a wave.
I’ve gotten better at recognising when I’m not okay.
But confronting it? That’s still hard.
Yesterday, I was doing a food shop — and I was tempted to buy alcohol for the first time since January.
That’s my red flag. That’s my line in the sand.
I didn’t buy any. I wouldn’t. But just thinking about it was enough to tell me something’s not right.
I even had to stop for a minute in the medicine aisle.
The intrusive thoughts are creeping back in.
And I know what that means:
I need to take better care of myself.
Not tomorrow.
Now.
If you’ve ever thought you’d be over it by now — this is for you.
You’re not alone.
Maybe you’re also healing in ways no one sees.
Maybe you’ve also walked away from something that wasn’t right — and felt both proud and broken.
Maybe you’re also raising a child while trying to keep your own feet on the ground.
This is for you.
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