Some days really do just feel like such a struggle. I really have to dig deep quite a lot of the time just to put one foot in front of the other. I often find myself wishing life would just give me a break.
I’m constantly fight for something and most of the time it isn’t even something I should be fighting for it’s just a basic human need or someone to show some compassion. Even at my worst I always had others at the forefront of my mind – whether that were my family, Archie, others that needed help more than I did. I’m not saying I’m a saint but I do my best to think about other people.
But I just sometimes need other people to do that for me. It is absolutely no secret that I have been unwell, even before I shared my story many people knew that I wasn’t well. But still I just feel like obstacles are constantly thrown in my direction. Today I completely lost it – I didn’t think before I did, don’t get me wrong the people deserved it but I know I should have handled things differently. But honestly some days I just feel completely overwhelmed.
Situations out of my control or unexpected completely throw me off. I try my best to just go with it or take a deep breath or count to ten (or 1 million) but sometimes that just doesn’t work. I just need a break, I think that was the one thing that benefitted me from being in hospital just getting to ignore reality for a little while. But in the real world I can’t to that and when I feel myself getting bad I don’t always know how to stop it.
A million things have run through my head – drive far way (personal favourite), have a drink, hurt myself – but I know that if I do those things I won’t feel better in the long run maybe I will for a short while but then I will beat myself up for failing.
So instead I’ve screamed, I’ve cried, I’ve shouted at everyone (some underserving) but I haven’t given in. And that in itself is progress.
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