It’s Been a Year

“It’s been a year.”
That sentence plays on repeat in my head. I know other people think it too — some even say it out loud. And I don’t blame them, because I think it myself.

Agreeing to go to hospital was a massive step for me. Choosing to accept the help being offered felt huge. Until I realised that there wasn’t really any help on offer at all. As an inpatient, you’re medicated and kept safe. You’re kept out of harm’s way. But the real work starts the second you’re discharged.

You walk out of those hospital doors into what’s supposed to be a second chance at life. You’re willing to take whatever help is available. You want to get better.

Everything seems to be going to plan: an appointment arranged with the Home Treatment Team within 72 hours of discharge. Brilliant.

But then the cracks begin to show.
The appointment feels like a box-ticking exercise.
It feels like a chore.
You’re handed crisis numbers. You’re told to “stay safe.” And then you’re discharged to another team.

And then you wait.
And wait.
And nothing happens.

This year, I’ve fought battles I wasn’t prepared for. Battles I never imagined I’d have to face. And, in the middle of all of that, I had to fight the hardest battle of all — the one happening inside my own mind. I had to convince myself I was worth saving, that I mattered, even when everything around me seemed to say otherwise.

These 365 days have been the hardest of my life so far. I’ve faced things I thought I’d buried forever. I’ve learned to stay instead of escape. And I’ve done all of it with no support from the services that were supposed to help.

Yes, I’m surrounded by people who would do anything to see me get better. But none of them can fully understand what this feels like. They don’t know why one day I’m okay and the next I can’t get out of bed. They don’t understand how I could want to die even after seeing the devastation it would cause.

And the truth is… I don’t understand it either.

So yes, it has been a year. And maybe to some people I sound like a broken record. Believe me — I’m tired of the song too.

But when I look back, this will be the year I survived.
The year I got back up every single time life knocked me down.

And if nothing else, I can hold my head up high and be proud that — against all odds — I’m still standing.