Being mentally ill can be exhausting. Your emotional and mental capacity is ALWAYS full. It just drains the life out of you, all the time.
I remember before going into hospital I just used to sleep all the time. I’d get home from work and go straight to bed. When my alarm went off in the morning I still felt exhausted. No amount of sleep every made up for the overtime my brain was doing! No one understood this. Everyone thought I was just lazy. That I was being difficult. But it wasn’t a conscious choice, it’s hard to explain but there was something physically stopping me from being able to get out of bed.
Once I was put into hospital I experienced the complete opposite of this. I would lay awake all day and all night just staring at the ceiling. It was like my brain couldn’t turn off. I walked around for weeks with permanent black bags because sleep just became impossible. In the end I had to take medication because if I didn’t I would honestly be awake for days at a time.
When I came home my GP was reluctant to prescribe me this medication. It is very addictive and should not be used long term. He allowed me to take it for a while longer but eventually took me off of it. I was back to not sleeping at all – my brain constantly ticking. I couldn’t turn it off.
Until you have experience severe insomnia you honestly cannot imagine how much it can affect your whole life. Over the past few years I had gotten into good sleeping habits and to be honest it was one of my favourite hobbies. But when I tell you I would be awake for weeks at a time I am not even exaggerating.
It is so draining. And it is so hard to get people to understand.
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