In my life I have spent so many years trying to find someone to blame for my negative feelings and actions. It wasn’t until recently I realised this time was a complete waste. The truth is even if people have caused you heartache and pain blaming them doesn’t make those feelings go away. Often apologies can make things worse – it’s as if these people think they can do things that affect you so drastically but if they say sorry that makes it ok. But it doesn’t make it ok at all. In my life I have had to dig deep and forgive those who have wronged me, some of those people were not even sorry. But had I not forgiven them I would have to live with an anger inside of me bubbling away.
From my last post it is clear to see I was no angel, in fact at times I was very much the opposite. But one thing I can say about myself is that I own up to my mistakes, I have never pretended to be innocent and I can hold my head high knowing that no matter how others treat me I still show strength in my character. I’m not a malicious person and I don’t believe in payback/revenge, the quote ‘an eye for an eye’ is certainly not one that I follow. No matter how I have been treated I don’t wish anyone heartache, just because I have removed people from my life I do still genuinely wish them well.
At the time of my life heading in a downward spiral there were so many things that I was dealing with. My behaviour had made my relationship at home with my parents unbearable – they could not understand why I was behaving the way I was and they couldn’t understand how I didn’t see anything wrong with my behaviour. Me and my mum have never completely seen eye to, we have always clashed but I know that she would go to the ends of the earth for me if push came to shove. But in this time I just saw her and my dad as the enemy. They thought I was selfish, lazy and careless. I thought I was enjoying myself and carefree. I was neither, I was drowning, day by day I was slowly breaking and it wouldn’t be long until I was completely broken.
Then there was Archie. He was innocent in every sense of the word. I loved him so much, more than I have ever loved anything in this world. I just couldn’t be a mum at this time, it wasn’t a conscious choice that I had made, it was as though there was something physically stopping me. I was there for the good bits, the easy bits. I was there with extravagant presents and days out. But I wasn’t actually there to be a mum. Despite all of this that little boy showed me unwavering conditional love, I could do no wrong in his eyes. He deserved so much better.
I had also been in a long term relationship – we hadn’t parted on bad terms and for a while remained friends – ending the relationship was best for the both of us. Despite knowing this I still felt a huge sense of guilt. We had met when I was in a dark place and I couldn’t have asked for someone better at that time. But as the years went on I slowly started to loose myself again. There was no one to blame, no one other than myself. When our relationship ended I did feel a huge loss, not just for the relationship but also for the family I had become a part of. After a few months I found something out that made me question our whole relationship. As I’ve said I have never been innocent but what I found out felt like the ultimate betrayal. And worse than questioning the relationship, I was also left questioning my judgement. I had lost trust in everyone including myself.
We could no longer be friends – it would never have worked. I couldn’t find forgiveness, the lies just seemed too much at the time. We had the same friends which was difficult and those that I would have once confided in didn’t seem like an option anymore. Not because they made me feel that way but I didn’t want anybody to play piggy in the middle. At events and gatherings I was made to feel uncomfortable. I continued abusing alcohol and other substances but I now knew I wasn’t enjoying myself – I was blocking everything out.
Every aspect of my life was falling apart and I felt powerless to stop it. This is when I knew I couldn’t carry on like this. I hated the person I had become, I believed that everyone was better off without me. I knew then not only did I want to die but one way or another I was going to.
Leave a Reply