You don’t have to have a mental illness to live with a mental illness. In fact some might say it’s worse to live with a mental illness if it isn’t yours. You can sympathise with the person who is suffering but you can’t empathise with them because you don’t know what it feels like to be them. There have been a few times in my life when I have thought that those around me should have dealt with problems brought about by my mental illness differently. I have made people I love feel guilty for saying the wrong thing or reacting in the wrong way. But why would they know how to react?
Honestly I don’t know if I could watch someone I love hit self destruct time and time again. I don’t think I could let somebody I love turn my world upside down on a regular basis and forgive them every single time. I couldn’t watch someone I love hurt themselves over and over knowing that nothing I say is going to make them stop. And I couldn’t live with the constant worry that one day when it all gets too much for them they might actually succeed in ending their life. I couldn’t do any of that but I expect people to do that for me every single day.
These people are often forgotten about, they are rarely mentioned but my God they should be. These people spend their lives trying to make sure that people like me can continue to live theirs. These people take you to hospital no matter what time of day it is, they sit in A&E with you for hours hoping that you haven’t done too much damage. These people visit you as much as they can when you are admitted to hospital despite trying to hold everything together in the real world. These people put their lives on hold to look after your children at the drop of a hat. These people hide medication from you to try and keep you safe. These people drive around looking for you when you leave and don’t want to be found. These people walk around on eggshells because they don’t want to upset you for fear of what might happen if they do.
They do all of this just because they love you and care about you and need you to be safe. In return for all of this do you know what they get? Most of the time not a lot. And if these people ever get upset or angry or try to make any situation about themselves they are met with not a lot of compassion at all. They are met with ‘you don’t have to live with it everyday’ and ‘how do you think I feel?’. But they do have to live with it everyday and they know how you feel because they feel it with you. They don’t complain they just get on with it every single day.
I know personally if I am in somebodies life they don’t often get a chance to think about themselves and their own feelings. They don’t have time to do they because they are too busy worrying about me and mine. If I am in someone’s life they don’t often have room for much else because I am a lot. And yes sometimes people walk away but even then they were more than likely pushed away. I like many others can be so selfish because I don’t think about the bigger picture. I don’t think about the constant worry I put people through, I don’t think about the little piece of them that breaks every time I fall apart or self destruct. But they think of me, they always think of me.
And then as I start to get better I see exactly what I have done to them. I see my mum completely burnt out because she is working full time, looking after Archie and constantly worrying about me. I see my dad becoming angry because he doesn’t know what else to do because he has to just sit and watch me break knowing that he can’t really do anything about it. I see Archie protecting me, worrying about me when it should be the other way round because he is only eight years old. I look at my nan and more often see the worry and sadness in her eyes, I listen to her when she tells me that I broke her heart and I hear the lump that she gets in her throat. My Grandad who more often than not can’t remember what he has had for breakfast remembers that he has to worry about me. I hear my brothers voice breaking when he tries to talk to me and offer support. I see friends blaming themselves, thinking they should have done more, thinking they should have noticed.
But these people don’t know what it’s like to live with a mental illness because they don’t have one.
Leave a Reply